Over the last ten months, I fought and still fighting the greatest battle of my life; the struggle between who I am and who I want to be. I am the war, the conqueror and the devoured, I am the casualty and the hero, the captain and the foot soldier, I win, and I lose.
Have I aimed too high in life that it is impossible to achieve – to be the man I want to be, is being the main character in one’s life a daunting task. have I dreamt more than I should? Are my dreams and goals suddenly nightmares because of the fictitiousness of them or my inability to bring them to fruition? Have I asked from life more than I should and in return get nothing or I have I asked from life things more than life can offer- being the captain of my boat? Are dreams worth pursuing? Are we focused on our dreams or our ability to dream dreams? Have I held myself on a high pedestal that my daily win no longer impresses me? Is there a punishment for those who dare to become the greatest actor in their world? Is the reward for mediocrity peace? Hence, to conquer the world and self, we must get rid of peace and accept the constant rage of war, blood, and tears.
Who is the gatekeeper to greatness, and how much does he charge to anyone willing to enter into greatness? What is the price of my immaculate dream? What price is greatness, and is there a refund if dissatisfied with the result or lack of expectation? Does disbelief make things happen? Is life a game? A game design to prove us wrong? Is disbelieving a way to ensure that what we truly want and hope for comes to fruition? Should we expect rain by praying that it doesn’t rain? Life is unfair.
I am tired and out of tears, and my eyes can hold no water. Death seems friendlier, life is unfair, death seems fair, regardless we’ll die, rich, poor, strong, weak, man, God-man (Jesus). I am a lake, hoping to flow with a high current, like a stream. My constant stagnation has killed all the fish that there is. I suddenly may stink from the dumps and dirt. I want to attract those who thirst for clean water, but I am a lake. I have shown in many ways possible that I can flow. I want to stream, but life is unfair, or maybe their beauty in being still and quiet. Perhaps being a lake isn’t as flawed, I thought. No. Lakes are terrible.
My struggle, my pain, my suffering, my life.
Recently, I have swamped myself with so much work in order to give my mind no room or opportunity to think about how less progressive my life is. I have given no time to having fun with friends and family. I want to be alone with my thoughts, but my thoughts don’t want me alive. they believe that the ultimate rest is in death, which may be true, but who knows. I am surrounded by the most loving set of humans that life can give, and yet I feel empty, filled with lack, lack of peace. My life seems to be going on well, at least; that is what it looks like.
I prayed that God would take this lack away, but it is still here. Maybe there is a backlog of prayers yet to be answered; mine is somewhere in the queue.
I try to be happy, and sometimes, I am happy, but it lasts for a little while, and the sadness remains. The gym is my safe place, I took it all out on the weight, but no weight in the gym could match the weight I am forced to carry, the weight of not being where I want to be, the weight of lack, the weight of inadequacy, the weight of emptiness.
Is this a phase? It better be. To be continued…